The train metaphor

The train metaphor

When we stand on a train platform we are clear in our mind of the destination we wish to travel towards and which train we want to get on.

Equally, there may be many trains that approach which are not for the destination you wish to travel to and you’re wise to take a step back and let them pass through. Why would you get on a train that’s not going where you wish to go to? It wouldn’t make sense right?

Let’s consider 2 city destinations for the purpose of the train metaphor

You have been to Cambridge many times before and have always enjoyed your visits. It is a place that you consider a nice and safe destination, a destination that you’d like to end up in more often.

You have also been to Peterborough many times before but can never say you have enjoyed yourself there. You have never felt safe there and are always left disappointed. You could ask yourself why you still go there. The outcome is always the same!

You might ask why you knowingly go to a place when you know the destination is not one that is desirable? You might very well ask the same question about anger...why would you continue with an interaction or choose to experience a moment the way you do if it ends up with some version of anger?

Do you end up in Cambridge or Peterborough?

Most people in their day to day interactions might consider that the majority of their interactions end up in Cambridge - a pleasant experience with little signs of stress, anxiety or anger to name just a few.

Others unfortunately, notice that many of their interactions end up in Peterborough - a not so pleasant experience with uncomfortable discussions or actions.

When we get caught up with our thoughts, feelings and urges and even when we know the outcome is going to be a negative one - we still follow it on autopilot.

If you got on the wrong train would you stay on the train or would you get off at the next station and find a way to get to the destination you choose?

From an anger management perspective and using the train metaphor - how often do you engage with an interaction and end up in an argument or a display of anger - a destination we are sure you'd rather not end up in?

Look at it anther way - how often do you recognise that the interaction you are engaged in is heading to a difficult moment and take a step back to find a better outcome - possibly not as often as you'd like?

Creating an awareness when you're heading for the wrong destination

In the notes for the cognitive awareness exercise we spoke about creating an awareness of STOP moments. Understanding the concept of the train analogy will help you develop these STOP moments more effectively.

For effective anger management it's so much better to see that conflict is coming rather than automatically following an interaction where you know where it is going to end up.

This will only happen with a continuation of the cognitive awareness exercise.

Recognise your anger triggers and traits

Do you get in to conversations where you know it's going to end in conflict?
Do you criticise people or be judgemental of them internally or verbally?
Do you notice that you are dismissive of other peoples point of view because yours is right or more important?
Do you notice when you are being picky or argumentative?
Do you have typical habits of response that fuel a negative interaction with others?
Do you notice when you take a situation personally?
Do you recognise when you are being defensive?
Do you notice how you act when something doesn’t turn out how you wanted or when expectations are not met.
Do you notice when you’re being a bully or controlling?
Do you notice when you’re being belittling?

We could say the above are all warning signs that the anger train is approaching or you have indeed got on the train and started the journey but you don’t need to continue on that journey do you?

If you got on the Peterborough train when your intention was to go to Cambridge you wouldn’t stay on the train would you? Surely you’d get off, work your way back a little and get yourself on course to go to Cambridge?

When we can recognise that the anger train is coming by being more aware of our thoughts and interpretations as well as being aware of physical tensions, irritations or frustrations, we give ourselves the opportunity to take a mindful step back and not automatically end up in some form of conflict.

You would do the same if you were waiting for a train and a train for a destination you choose not to visit arrives first; you'd take a step back and let it pass through while waiting for the train you want.

Continue to develop awareness of your anger triggers

In future sessions you will start to take a step back with intention and you may have already started that in part already, (which is all good) but we are keen to keep you on the awareness path for now.

By continuing the awareness path you are consciously training your mind to recognise triggers and this is a very important element - in not too distant future this mind training will turn conscious awareness to subconscious habit where your mind will automatically interpret situations differently to how they currently do.

Be mindful and create awareness

Be aware of your thoughts and how your mind is interpreting situations.

Notice when you feel tense, irritated or frustrated.
Listen to the way you are talking whether it is the tone or actual words.
Be aware of your urges to be reactive.
Be aware of sighs, huffs and puffs that could result in further shows of discontentment.

These are all STOP moments - take notice of every moment that could result in a negative interaction or Ange outburst and use your mindfulness practice to be more present rather than automatically reactive on autopilot.

Steven would constantly get in to conflict with his son when he got home because he couldn't have the relaxation time he wanted after work.

All his son wanted was time with his Daddy - Steven's mind viewed this as being pestered and would be irritated by it.

Becoming more in tune with these triggers Steven decided to change the destination of what was turning out to be constant conflict with his son.

His decision to get home and spend quality time with his son resulted in more harmony at home with his son and his wife too.

Making notes in your journal

You will read and may already have read the importance of making notes in your journal of the awarenesses you make of your anger triggers and how you react to them.

Being aware in your mind is one thing - getting each awareness out of your head on to paper is another.

Your written notes provide you with a valuable source for reflection and will be invaluable to train your mind to be more mindful of anger triggers.

A simple guide for you with regard to making notes in your journal

If a negative thought such as criticism or judgement comes in to your mind, write it down.
If an interpretation of an event, situation or person comes in to your mind that causes a negative response internally or externally, write it down.
If you feel tenseness in your body, write it down.
If you experience an emotion such as jealousy, sadness, disappointment, feelings of failure or inadequacy, resentment or envy, feeling overwhelmed, guilt, fear, panic, helplessness, and emptiness, write it down.
If you experience an urge to be reactive, write it down.

And lastly, be aware of your actions, whether it is outward anger, passive anger. Be aware of the words you use and how you talk to people.

It's worth noting

Anger for the purpose of this course doesn't mean that you have to be visibly angry or shouting. Some people are angry internally but not letting it out - in fact these people can look calm and relaxed.

An anger cycle can start with a thought or a feeling. Many people have said in our sessions, "but that's ok isn't it...I didn't get angry".

Not getting angry doesn't mean you're not in an anger cycle. Using the train metaphor and putting it in to practice will help you be better in control of your actions before you have the chance to follow your thoughts or feelings resulting in an anger outburst

Moving to session 6

This course has been designed in a way that you can take your time introducing yourself to new sessions, like a dip in/dip out approach. We must be mindful however, that more dipping in the dipping out is needed especially in these early stages.

It is suggested that you may press a slight pause on new sessions for a few days and give yourself time to re-cap on sessions you have already introduced yourself to.

It would be. really good idea to reacquaint yourself with the raisin meditation from session 1 and what it's aiming to teach you.

The breath meditations from session 2 and 3 are the stalwart of your mindfulness practice so again, it might be a really good idea to spend a few days with the formal manfulness practices with the guided audio from session 2.

The chocolate meditation from session 4 is a great tool to help you be mindful of urges (in this case the urges to bite in to the chocolate) and how to step back from the urge.

So many of our clients have gained huge benefit with the train metaphor in this session 5. When you are mindful of your interactions and situations you are in and have the awareness of where that situation might be taking you, you give yourself fantastic opportunities to step back from the onset of conflict.

It is also suggested that you take a little time to go back and read the notes in the drop down boxes on the pages for sessions 1-4. There is an abundance of useful information for you to absorb and maybe there will be information that you missed the first time round.

Re-capping

As mentioned above: now might be the ideal time to take stock and re-cap on what you have learned so far. This will also be a great opportunity to look at the notes in your journal from the cognitive awareness exercise and start putting your triggers in to compartments or categories, for example:

What type of thought processes do you want to become more aware of or what about how your mind interprets situations and interactions?

What about when you feel tense, irritated or frustrated, what do these feel like? How do you react to these?

How do I feel inside when there is the urge to react?

What about when you are reactive: what does that sound and look like? How do you feel inside when you are being reactive? What word do you use as well as the actions?

These are all STOP moments that you are encouraged to create full awareness of.

We know that this exercise sounds extremely time-consuming but it really isn't because you are creating an awareness of things that you feel or things that have actually happened.

So all you need to do is make notes of these experiences on your smartphone or straight in to your journal as close to their occurrence as possible.

These notes are always there for you to re-cap on and to keep your awareness of your triggers so it becomes habit to recognise them much sooner.

When you feel you have given a few days to re-cap and re-introduce yourself to the mindfulness practices from sessions 1-4 move to session 6 - awareness of your 5 senses.

Session 6 - Awareness of your 5 senses

Reflection of your mindfulness practice

As you proceed through your practices you are guided to reflect on your experiences.

Remember: your mindfulness practice is to help you learn how to be more focused on the present moment rather than following your autopilot mind.

Allow yourself to reflect on:

are you setting a schedule for your practice time? If not, do you see the importance of doing so?
what it feels like to deliberately focus your attention, (being present)
did you notice your mind becoming distracted?
how did you react to any distraction?
how was it when you noticed distraction and gently guided your mind back to conscious, mindful attention?
without the expectation of what mindfulness practice can fix, are you able to see how focused attention can help you step back from the autopilot mind?

It is not expected that you have immediate success, (please have patience with yourself) but do continue to come back to these reflective notes below.

Being mindful doesn't just happen

This course is structured in a way that you are gently introduced to the concept of focused attention but mindfulness doesn't just happen.

Unfortunately, some people’s expectations are very high and expect that after a few day’s practice it should all fall into place.

It just doesn’t happen that way!

We have spent our whole life creating habits and spend much of our time on autopilot. This is the habit we are going to try and break as you gradually learn how to punctuate many parts of your day with mindful awareness.

Your autopilot mind will try to get in the way of this new awareness but you are urged to stay focused on your practice and over time you will begin to recognise that you’ll be stepping back from the autopilot way of doing things more and more.

But First...

You need to practice the mindfulness meditations within this course and do so with an air of openness, acceptance and a non-judgemental nature. You’re learning a new skill. Give it time, have patience and be kind to yourself when you feel it’s not going right for you.
A course especially for you

This course has been designed to work especially for you. It has been designed to:

a) Help you develop practical mindfulness skills for you to adapt to work for you and your own personal circumstances.

b) Develop a better cognitive awareness of yourself so you can recognise where you can be more mindful and apply your newly learned mindfulness skills where they will best work for you.

Our approach to mindfulness is practical in its approach so the main part of each session of the course will be practical in nature.

The course may seem daunting when you look at how many sessions there are. We have heard many people ask, “How will I fit it in to my busy life?”

The answer is always the same, “You can only do one practice at a time. You do not have to race through the course. Schedule practice time that fits in with your life and commitments and you’ll easily fit it in”.

Some mindfulness and meditation courses involve lengthy practice of up to 45 minutes in each practice. We have recognised that this is impracticable for many people with busy lives.

This course has been designed that once learned, in many circumstances, our mindfulness approach can be applied ‘on the go’ whilst still adapting to the concept of mindful awareness.

Many of the meditations are short in duration and don’t take much time at all. Success will come from understanding the practice for each session and scheduling time for practice.

After all, there are many things in life that we have to plan for, make appointments for otherwise things just wouldn’t get done.

The same for our course of mindfulness. If you plan your practice time and set realistic timings with adequate availability you will be well placed to actually practice your mindfulness meditations and exercises.

If you expect to just fit it in wherever, then unfortunately you’re setting yourself up for disorganised chaos!

Take Your time – Don’t Rush

Learn mindfulness at your own pace. There is only a start time but the finish time is in your control.
What is mindfulness?

It can be easy to rush through life without stopping to notice much.

Paying more attention to the present moment – to your own thoughts and feelings, and to the world around you – can improve your mental wellbeing. This awareness is called Mindfulness.

Mindfulness can help us enjoy life more and understand ourselves better.

What Does it Mean to Be More Mindful?

Mindfulness means having a better awareness of what is going on inside and outside ourselves, moment by moment.

It's easy to stop noticing the world around us. It's also easy to lose touch with the way our bodies are feeling and to end up living 'in our heads' – caught up in our thoughts without stopping to notice how those thoughts are driving our emotions and behaviour.

An important part of mindfulness is reconnecting with our bodies and the sensations they experience. This means waking up to the sights, sounds, smells and tastes of the present moment.

That might be something as simple as the feel of a banister as we walk upstairs.

Another important part of mindfulness is an awareness of our thoughts and feelings as they happen moment to moment. It's about allowing ourselves to see the present moment clearly.

When we do that, it can positively change the way we see ourselves and our lives.

How Mindfulness Helps Mental Wellbeing

Becoming more aware of the present moment can help us enjoy the world around us more and understand ourselves better.

When we become more aware of the present moment, we begin to experience afresh things that we take for granted.

Mindfulness also allows us to become more aware of the stream of thoughts and feelings that we experience and to see how we can become entangled in that stream in ways that are not helpful.

This lets us stand back from our thoughts and start to see their patterns. Gradually, we can train ourselves to notice when our thoughts are taking over and realise that thoughts are simply 'mental events' that do not have to control us.

Most of us have issues that we find hard to let go and mindfulness can help us deal with them more productively. We can ask: 'Is trying to solve this by brooding about it helpful, or am I just getting caught up in my thoughts?'

Awareness of this kind also helps us notice signs of stress or anxiety earlier and helps us deal with them better.
Benefits of mindfulness

Mindfulness is described as paying attention to the present moment with intention, while letting go of judgment, as if our life depends on it.

The present is the only real moment we have. Mindfulness helps improve our concentration and reduce ruminative thinking that contributes to the high levels of stress that is so prevalent in our society.

Stress and ruminative thinking are not only mental health hazards but they are quite often, the very symptoms that lead people to seek out the help of a therapist.

Mindfulness is an incredible tool to help people understand, tolerate, and deal with their emotions in healthy ways. It helps us to alter our habitual responses by taking pause and choosing how we act.

When we are mindful, we experience our life as we live it. We experience the world directly through our five senses, we recognise the thoughts we are having.

In doing so, we learn how our minds work and we are better able to label the thoughts and feelings we are having instead of allowing them to overpower us and dictate our behaviour.

Mindfulness presents an effective method to get to know oneself and it helps us to live in the present moment rather than muddling along too much on autopilot.

When we learn to be more mindful, we learn to train our mind to observe our own thoughts, feelings, and sensations with an objective view.

We learn to do this with compassion, as people tend to lose patience with themselves, particularly in the early stages of practicing mindfulness or trying out meditation.

When we release judgment and learn to live in the moment, we increase our mental agility as well as learning to better regulate our emotions.

Learning mindfulness enables us able to take pause and react in a more constructive way in emotional or physical conflicting situations.

A simple breathing exercise can interrupt an outburst and lead to a more favourable outcome.

When we are reactive, falling victim to our immediate thoughts or emotions, we are not always acting in our own self-interest.

Mindfulness provides a great tool for developing more self-acceptance which helps us build our compassion for others.

It allows us to take more power and be more strategic in terms of our goals. It can bring us closer to the people we care about and help us to interrupt self-sabotaging patterns we’ve adopted throughout our lives.

Teaching ourselves to calm down and to be more receptive than reactive is a practice made possible through mindfulness techniques.

Whether learning to meditate or merely to tune in with ourselves at various times throughout our day, we are enhancing our ability to feel more integrated and to act with integrity. We improve our ability to focus our attention.

We are better able to slow the racing thoughts that lead us to engage in limiting or self- sabotaging behaviours. We strengthen our resilience and enhance our capacity to experience the joys of everyday life.
Scheduling time for mindfulness practice
It is advised to follow the instructions for your daily practice. Learning to be more mindful doesn’t just happen, regular daily practice is needed.

You are learning a new skill that is probably unfamiliar to you. For mindfulness to become habit and for it to have a positive impact on your wellbeing, your commitment and willingness to find suitable time to practice and reflect is important.

Don’t Have Enough Time?

Some people say they don’t have enough time; that they can’t fit in the different mindfulness practices. Just think for a minute the times during the day where you aren’t doing anything that requires physical or mental attention:
- Quiet times at home or work.
- At your desk at work.
- Having breakfast or any snack/meal during the day.
- Walking to work or the train station. Sitting on a train or bus.
- Waiting for the children at school.
- Preparing/cooking a meal. Waiting for the kettle to boil.
- During lunch breaks or in the evening or other times where you are ‘free’.
- What about the amount of time you might spend on social media? Maybe you could choose to be more mindful during your ‘phone time’.
Practice Makes Perfect!

The more you practice mindfulness meditation, the more it will become part of your day. YES, it will be a little difficult at first because this is not ‘normal’ practice for you:
- Take time to familiarise yourself with the practice required for each day.
- Schedule the time when you believe you can practice. It won’t just happen without your input and commitment. Set schedules you can keep.
- Create an effective reminder system, whether that is reminders that ping on your phone, set email reminders or post it notes in convenient places or even ask people to provide gentle prompts.
When you are familiar with the individual mindfulness exercises and meditations, practice them each day without the accompanying recordings.

Practice, Practice and a Little More Practice!

Mindfulness meditation is very enjoyable. Get into the mindset that this is something you want to not, not something you have to do.

If you get into the right mindset of learning and practicing mindfulness, not only will you see that the practices for each day do not interfere with your day, you will soon recognise that it is easy to develop effective mindfulness practice. It will soon become 2nd nature for you.

Think about times when you really could commit to a few minutes of mindfulness practice each day.

Before you say you don’t have time for practice, check to see if that statement really is true.

Guidance and support

If you need any guidance or support with your mindfulness practice please don't hesitate to discuss this with Paul during your therapy sessions.

You can also contact Paul anytime outside of your therapy sessions if you have immediate questions regarding any aspect of your mindfulness practice. Please use the number below for text messages or WattsApp.

Tel: +44 7584 492254

email: hertswbc@gmail.com